its being the end of saddest year of my life... I wonder how fast this year passed.. It was like a thing happen yesterday but actually 8 months passed... 8 months passed while following just a vivid dream... 
I remember me sometimes... How I use to enjoy these cold december nights... How I use to be happy and full of life... But thats look like a tale of past... Its long ago I use to be ME... 
Today I wana remember me...I wana see me in myself.. I wish I could dig out the old one.. I wish I could erase all the painful memories and just could start over... 
I was always supposed to be a stronger girl and I was always of one misunderstanding that I am so strong but I was wrong I confess.... I am not strong at all... Am just an ordinary girl who just pretend to be strong in front of people but cry river inside n alone.... I am just an ordinary girl to love someone and broken by him... 
I m just a girl by wanting him and only him in my life by any means... 
In that cold and lonely night I wana confess all of my weakness... People told me am an extraordinary and strong girl but who gonna tell them that am like everyone who use to cry all along night... 
Life is such a bitch I just came to know.. It kneel me down.. It makes me to bend in front of weaknesses.. and you know you were my only weakness... 
I never allowed anyone to be my weakness or my need... But how u had just incorporated me that its really gonna be impossible to live a normal life... 
I once read a line written by someone that true love is knowing a person's faults and loving them even more for them...  AND THATS WHAT I DID... 
I lloved you even knowing your faults, your faithlessness... 
I loved youto my fullest..
But today, at this moment of night, right now... I just want to forget you... I just want to get rid of all your memories... 
I am tired of crying for you.. Am done with all this... 
I just wana end this chapter of my life while chapter of this year closes... 
ALLAH g give me courage to do this... Give me courage to LET IT GO... 

Its long ago I met you... it was a big thing in my life to be in love with someone met me by the way... but I took the chance... I fell for you... and in real I FELL.... 
It was all real... I remember in start when you left I use to think that these are only some days and I will surely get over all these things but this never happened.. 
I use to think about you all day and all night and it never goes on fading your memories... Infact remembering all memories make me to think about you more than normal.. 
You know... after you there was a day I was free and I left for wondering around and I sat at a lonely place... I was just thinking about all good times I spent with you... Tears in my eyes and aching heart... there was only you and you...
I never slept without remembering you each night... I know you will never believe me... You will never come to know about depth of my love but I wana tell you that I loved you from all of my heart...I loved you like everything.... 
Its a little hope still that one day you will come back and will hold my hand to tell me that you had loved me too... I am hoping that you will come and say that you love me more than I love you... 
You know it was only a glimpse that you will come back to me and it made me crazy... Am thinking just about you and you from yesterday you left...
My heart again started to dream like I was dreaming a few months ago.. Am getting happy again like I was use to be... I am just thinking about all best times of my life I spent with you.. 
Its all about you and your presence... Its all about loving you... 
One thing made me to wonder that once I told you that we cant be with each other though I was not even 0% serious about it but you made that thing real... I wonder if you always use to think that we can't with each other... 
You know this never happened that people made for each other... they let this happened... they let themselves move with one another.. 
I always wanted to be with you and look I am still there where you left me... But you moved forward.. You left me alone in this battle of love... 
I was never meant to get hurt by you... to be insulted by you but I bear everything... you know WHY..... 
Cause still after know each and everything... I am waiting for you to come back to me.. I am waiting for you to love me again like you did... 
There is just a little hope... and THAT's ALL MY LIFE.. 
Come back please... Am tired of waiting for you... Am tired of crying secretly at night... Am tired of walking alone where I meant to walk only with you... please Come back before Its too late... 
Let me love you again like I use to do.. Let me be crazy for you... Let me be the only one for you... 
A little hope... 

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, 
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire...
I love you as one loves certain dark things..

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but...
carries the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself...
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose

from the earth lives dimly in my body....
I love you without knowing how, or when or from where..
I love you simply without problem or pride.. I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving you but this.. 
In which there is no I and YOU... 

Of everything I have seen... Its you I want to go on seeing.. 
Of everything I've touched.. Its your flesh I want to go on touching...
What am I to do with  this love... 
I don't know how others love or how people loved in past....
I live watching you, loving you.. and Being in love with you... 

I wait for you like a lonely house...
till you will see me again and live in me...

Till then my windows ache.

Tonight I can write saddest lines... "I loved you and sometimes you loved me too"

I am not depressed..
I can still smile at pretty things.
And laugh when jokes are funny..
I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days...
But when I go inside,
When I am alone, there is something broken..
And I fall into a sadness so sweet.. 
That it engulfs me.. 
I loon in the mirror..
And I don't like what I see..
And the tears always fall..
When I'm falling asleep..
And I miss something..
That doesn't exist.. 

As I look back at everything that happened between us.. would it have been better to have never know you at all... ? 
I say "no" because then I would have never spent all those times with you.. They were the best moments of my life, even though they ended with a broken heart.. 
I know I was not the one for you... but you were the one for me.. And I Still Love You... 

And here it comes the first day of Ramadan Kareem... Its called the month of blessings... A month of forgiveness and acceptance of prayers... 
I remember from my childhood that I was fond of fasting in Ramadan and despite of mama's opposition I always use to fast... and I remember I use to pray at time of AFTAR cause once B-AMMAN told me that time ALLAH listen everything.... 
I remember prayers of my childhood.. A bit secret.. :) But these were much better than the ones I have now... There was no materialism, no selfishness... But today I am selfish about my wishes... 
I want ALAH to listen my every prayer and fulfil it thats why I offer prayers and do fast.. And now I got it why my prayers were being rejected because I was not right in them.. I was just being attracted to my LORD cause of my needs and how he can listen my everything.. 
Really am changed a lot... 
Last two months were most probably the hardest time of my life and I use to pray to ALLAH all the time but I was not getting, why my prayers are not being accepted...
Now I came to know. what was the reason... 
Reason was I was solely concerned to my desires, my wishes...I was not even considering what ALLAH wants to do with me.. and that was the reason he didn't listen to me.. He didn't gave me any attention.. 
I always wanted to be happy in what ALLAH wants for me.. and that was first time I was too much stubborn.. I was recalcitrating on only one person that I want him knowing that he was not my right choice... 
I know that was a silly mistake..  I know I made my LORD unhappy cause of these wrong doings... I know I was wrong in all these things.. 
The things, people not made for us, how they could be ours.. 
Now I understand this fact that you were not mine... you were never meant to bethe one whom I should love with my whole heart.. You were never capable of being truely loved by me but despite of it I did... 
And same happened.. you proved me wrong in everything... 
Somebody told me yesterday that if I place my heart in GOD's hands, he will place my heart in the hands of a worthy person. 
Its RAMADAN KAREEM again.. The most valued time period of year.. I want to be sorry to ALLAH for my each and every mistake I made in last year.. I want to make ALLAH happy.. I want him to forgive my all sins.. 
I wish I could make upto everything HE wants me.. I wish I could be the same in everything I was one year ago... 
YA ALLAH bless me with your forgiveness.. AMEEN.. 

My life was complete. But now it's not. I lost it all, because I fought. He made me alive. Now I am dead. I'm laying here. Crying in my bed. Life is worthless. Why should I try? All I want to do is lay here and die. It had only been a few weeks but that is all I need. To get a last chance. Before he leaves. One last chance to turn it around. Hoping he won't turn me down. All I want to do is hold him tight and make his dreams come true tonight. That once and for all I can make him happy. 
Instead of screaming, yelling making life crappy. I'm sorry for what I have done. This is coming from my heart
I'm just asking for a brand new start. For you are my LIFE. Without you I am nothing. So give it one last chance and I will make it into something.
I love you too much. I can't let you go. So look into my eyes and say I love you too....
Please come back before its too late.. I don't want to move on you.. I always want to be your's and only your's.... COME BACK... Give me last chance to say you my love again.. 

Some days ago one of my friend asked me... what I call "love".. 
and I was speechless.. I was not getting what answer I should give her..  But then I sat and thought about it.. And I came to know difference between love and like.. 
Like is only knowing the best side of someone and liking him for it but LOve... Its a different thing you know... Its knowing the worst side of someone but still loving him with all heart... If I say that it was a temporary liking for you then I am really wrong in this because am loving you still inspite of your all wrong doings. 
You know I never thought of your worst side from the day you left. I am just thinking the best side of you. I just use to think about the crazy love you did to me. Really that was crazy.. I believe you loved me and you loved me like am everything to you but one day everything got changed.. you changed.... :-(

Some people say that if there is no struggle in life there is no progress in life. Before you can see the light you have to deal with darkness and that's the reality. 
Once the path of hope is chosen everything is possible. Faith and hope both are the necessary things to uphill in mountain of life. 
And if come to the struggle, its not a easy task.  Its a long way to go. And before putting step into practical life no one ever told me that life would be this hard. But i have faith that if GOD bring me to it, he will definitely bring me through it. 
Sooooo struggle, struggle and struggle... that's my life..  

Yesterday was the most hectic day I ever spend in life. It was 24 hour emergency call done first time.. It was too much bothering as I never did much hectic work ever. 

And the most amazing thing which happened was.. you were out of my mind unintentionally... I was not remembering you as I use to do in every step. I was realizing that there are many other things too which can make me happy... 

When I saw a new born baby in my hands, and smile at face of her mother while listening his cry and the moment when I saw a thanking expression in eyes of that women really that was of billion worth.. I thanked to ALLAH that he made me the reason of happiness for someone.. 

When I was taking care of a suffering woman regularly while standing along her bed, I saw she was thinking that I will be the one who will get her out of this situation. Although I know ALLAH's will is behind everything. But that thing made me happy a lot that am not the one who made people suffer but I'll be the one who will get them out of their sufferings. 

While on operation table, in hands of treating peoples, I saw a fear in that woman's eyes. I couldn't be able to name it. But I saw a glimpse of happiness when I just talked to her softly. When I just asked her that everything will be fine. Emotions of being grateful to me in her eyes were making me to thank to ALLAH who made me capable of it. 

While running to save a women, my feet were aching, I was hell tired but I was thinking that its my responsibility and everyone can't do it so I should do it as much efficiently as I can do. And this gave me new spirit. But actual thing was the happiness which I was really feeling from core of my heart. 

At 6:00 am when I got out of OT while assisting a surgery of about 1 and half hour, I saw a mother standing at door of operation theatre. she came to me and said that she is very happy for me and ALLAH will bless me for everything. I remember the tears in eyes of that lady but they were of happiness.  I just asked her that pray for me that ALLAH became happy with me too. 

These were the moments of worth I cant make any estimate. And then I realize that I was wrong that without you nothing can make me happy. I am still the same in one thing although everything is changed in me and that is still today HELPING others make me happy more than anything. 

 

Without you am not happy but I have to be happy cause may be then I can become reason of happiness for others and in the end ALLAH became happy with me. And this will be the last thing I will ever want from life that I spend my life in the desire of making my maker happy with me. 

ye tum se kis ne keh diya akhir key........
kisi returant ke neem tareek goshey main
beth kar madham sargoshion main
muskuratey labon se baat karna
aur ice cream ke cup main chamach hilatey huey
khwhsih-e-dil ko zuban pe le ana
muhabbat hai?
ye tumhey kis ne keh dia akhir key........

jaiez -o-najaiez ke falsafey ka assa thamey
ikhlakiyat ki apni kasoti banaey
jo azhad-o-behad ki diwarr sajaey
bila dastak berooh makan-e-jisim main darr ana
muhabbat hai?

bulkeh muhabbat tu.......
durr daraz ke kisi wehsihi qabiley main
basney wali koi chalak devi hai
jo tumhari aana ko apne tilisem se
yun qaeid karti hai
keh tum apna sara zaum bhool jatey ho
muhabbat munn ka sucha soda hai
jisey bazar main becha nahi kartey
muhabbat aik nazuk si larki hai
jisey rolaya nahi kartey
muhabbat ko yun zaya nahi kartey......

Relationship are like glass, sometimes it's better to leave pieces broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together. 

Relationships are like birds,if you hold tightly they die. If you hold loosely they fly. But if you hold with care, they remain with you forever. 

Relationships are like flowers, you have to keep watering them or they will die. 

Relationships are like drug. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life. 

Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you are not on the same page. 

Relationships are not just about the good times you share, its also about the obstacles you go through together and the fact that you still say " I love you " in the end. 

Relationships are not like Twitter and Facebook, you just can't log in and log out whenever you want. 

Relationships are harder now because conversation become texting, arguments become phone calls and feeling become status updates. 

Relationships are about trust, if you have to play detective then it's time to move on. 

Some relationships are like TOM and JERRY. They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other but can't live without each other. 

The greatest relationships are the ones you never expected to be in, the ones that swept you off your feet and challenges every view you've ever had. 

Remembering you... just thinking about you is very easy as i have nothing to do except it but there is an ache in my heart which become worse and worse...
you know the memories I have related to you are my life time treasures for which I will always regard.
The moment you gone my heart was torn in two, one side filled with heartache and other gone with you. I often lie awake in night when the world is fast asleep and take a walk down memory lane with tears on my cheeks.
Remembering you is easy I do it everyday but Missing you is heartache that never goes away..
You know I hold you tight within my heart and there you will remain until the joyous days arrives, that we will meet again...
you know days are passing and converting into months soon they will turn into years but I wonder will I able to forget you ever.. Will it happen ever that I pass through the roads you were with me and just throw you out of mind...
You know I remember the moment I looked in you eyes  for the last time. That one little memory still has the right amount of love to make me cry.
I remember the first day I met you. I still remember the feeling I felt when I started talking to you. I still remember the first time I fell for you and I haven't gotten up since.
I remember all the sweet things you said, I remember all the sweet moments I spent with you... 
You know you were the guarentee of my life... You were the one for whom I felt each and every thing I never thought of.. 
People say just get over it..Just move on.. But you tell me how to do.. How to move on.. How to forget the person who gave me everything to remember.. I know you loved me.. I know you did...But when love is..It can not be altered untill the edge of doom,,, Then why you altered it... ?
You know I still cannot believe that you are not here.. Because you are in my dreams every night.. Your memories use to surround me everywhere I go. You know whenever I pass through some place where you were with me I just slow down my pace and remember everything.. But it just give me alot of grief, nothing else.. You are not here.. Everything here telling me that you have left.. But why I cant believe... 
Why I cant make myself believe.. 
May be with time I will forget you.. not really but all these memories will be fade out but I always want to remember you.. 
Because you were the one I loved...

People often ask about the beautiful secret that what is this Love after all ? I smile and say… 

When you offer some of your own drinking water to a thirsty person to quench his/her thirst…is love!

When you bring a drowning person to the shore…is also love!

A tiny sacrifice for someone…is love!

When you have the liberty to disclose all the secrets but you chose to stay quiet considering another person’s vulnerability …is love!

Somewhere when you pick up a kitten that is soaked under rain and you bring it to your house for a little while…..is love!

When a sparrow makes a way into your room by chance and you help it see the way out….is love!

When you share some one’s sorrows, wipe away the tears of the one who is crying…is love!

Sweet words, sweet gesture, sweet talk…what is all this?….  is love!

Love is not just only to be lost in some one’s memories or to sway in his/her fragrance..

Love has thousands of colours and millions of symbols!

In whichever colour it exists….it owns me!

It takes a shine to my heart!

It takes a shine to my heart!

 Reblog

It was not so long ago in my mind, but many days have elapsed since, if the truth be known. There were many prospects then I suppose. So much has changed since I stopped living in your shadow.
Perhaps in my mind, these days have passed in sorrow that we stood under the apple tree, both aglow. Sometimes I resented you but mostly I felt proud. I have settled myself  now upto a limit, but much of time I remember having spent living in your shadow.
Where did you go because when I turned around I was left on my own? When I saw you again, you spoke with a distant tone. How strange that you should compare me to you when a lifetime of mine has been wasted living in your shadow?
Could you not see that I was truly happy before all this misunderstanding arose? You did as you pleased – still filling me with awe. Sometimes you fought with me, other times you loved me, holding me close. It made me realize your value. But all the same I remained living in your shadow.
When you were gone, I began to see for the sun hit me directly, almost burning me,forcing me to grow in whichever direction it went and the wind swept me up twirling me around until I learned to hold onto something tight and let go at just the right moment. That’s when I longed to be living in the splendour of your shadow.
Come with me and hold my hand for I have noticed in this baking heat that somehow or other, my shadow has grown much larger than yours. You look all withered and vulnerable, not at all the way I remember. From this moment I will hold you close, for now you may live huddles close, under my magnificent shadow.
You can no longer give me the shelter I was seeking or believed I needed. Even though I have grown into this fully fledged beauty, I survived on my own. You allowed me to grow in my own way and choose my own direction. Despite it all, I am now grateful, as you made me realize it was so much safer living in your shadow.

Yesterday was my exam.. I know you hadn't even remember that it was... 
I was tensed, much irritated but with ALLAH's blessings exam gone good.. I was remembering how you use to be worried about my exam.. how you use to ask me to study.. But now it look like a dream which will never comes true. 
All emotions were fading out.. you know now it happens that whenever you come to my mind I just try to throw you out of it..I really don't want to remember anything about you because more than beautiful memories cheerish, the bad moments hurt. But what to with my heart who just want you.. who just want to remember you, who still just want to be with you.. 
Today I was out.. again to a place where you were with me.. I remembered the most beautiful moments of my life there.. It was in lawrence gardern, in a dark place, in dim dim lights, the love was obvious in your eyes.. you know I was standing right there, just imagining you there but you were not anywhere.. 
My friend was asking me what happen when really my eyes were filling with tears while reminding you.. I was just looking at the place where once you were.. But there was nothing... Then I come to know that you have left a time ago.. you have left.. 
You are not with me anymore... I am alone.. You broke all promises of being with me forever.. But there were some strange feelings too.. 
you know today i saw a beautiful combination in myself... I was crying a river inside  but i was smiling with friends.. My eyes were teary but there was a smile on face. 
You remember I could never be able to do this type of diplomacy... I never learned to be a diplomate. but I came to know now that your grief is just mine, its just my personal.. Nobody can take me out of it.. Nobody can share this with me.. so what benefit of telling them about this.. 
I was sitting beside fountain and there were alot of marvellous memories of you with me.. I was just thinking that you are somewhere.. you are somewhere for me... 
You know I was still loving all the things related to you.. I am too much angry with you infact if ever you come in front of me I will never talk to you... But am still loving you.. You know you are still here inside... HERE... 
And not only here, you are EVERYWHERE... 
How could I state that am alone.. Am not alone.. I have your memories and that's enough for me perhaps.... 

Stress... A reaction to unexpected behaviour... 

I was studying my Behavioural Sciences book... reach to topic of stress management...

It was all written which I am suffering from.. 

I am astonished that people can even withstand with alot of stressors and psychotraumas and what about me... I can't even handle a simple acceptance of a situation. 

I remember a dialogue from Harry potter... 

"I wish...I were dead... And what use would that be to anyone.."

Same thinking right now... What use of my stress and all negative thinkings.. Its just affecting me... Its just making my life hell.. I was not alone in that than why just I am who suffering... ??? 

I really want to get over it... I just want to let it go... 

There comes a time in life when I have to let go of all pointless drama and problem who create it and surround myself with people who make me laugh.. And really that's the time... Am really blessed to have people around me who can support me.. who can understand me even I am not willing to tell them anything... 

Today I realized after a long time that A fine tea, enchanting objects and soothing surroundings have a therapeutic effect by washing away the corrosive stress of life... 

There were stages of stress I was feeling from the day you have left... 

First I was in shock that what happened to me...I was just not able to accept the situation. Than I started to search for its reason that why you did this and in all that period I was just accusing myself for all what happened... And in the end I found I was not guilty and that was a relief.. You know not in front of you but ALLAH.. I never wanted to be myself accused by doing betrayl.. 

After that there comes a stage of "WHY"... Why you did this and this thing made me angry and irritable.. I was just wanting an answer from you why you did all this drama.. and soon I got the answer...

Then I was thinking what to do.. My mind was empty.. There was nothing except your love, memories and good times.. 

Then I started wishful thinking.. I was just thinking all the time that this can happen and this would surely happen.. But nothing happen... 

Then I think that I shouldn't be stressedon things I can't change in anyway.. 

And I left the whole thing to ALLAH.. he will do whatever will be better for me.. 

Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed but many times relationships between peoples can't be fixed because they shouldn't be fixed.. So they should leave as they are.. If they are really meaningful they never gonna be broken down and if they are not meant to, time will just fade them as they never exist... 

I am leaving it as it is... I am leaving everything to ALLAH.. he is there than whats the mean of being stressed... :) 

In the end few words for you MY LOVE... 

Out beyond ideas of right doing and wrongdoing, there is a field.. I'll MEET YOU THERE. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make sense anymore. 

First of all... I wana say sorry to you for everything I did to you.. Believe me I never wanted to do all this.. This was all anger.. This was all frustration...
I was hurt cause of what you did...
You know na... you did wrong... you did very wrong to me...
But what I did.. It was wrong for you but good for her so I did this.. 
I didn't wanted her to suffer like me... I didn't wated her to cry like me...
And yeah its right there was also my anger somewhere that why you did this...
But you know two days ago somebody ask me that do i know aboot MONOTONY.. I said yes.. then he said thats what happened to you.. thats what was the reason you did this...
Then I realize may be somewhere I was also wrong. I did very close bound at you.. I wanted you to just bound to me... I wanted you to just to be with me.. 
May be you wanted some relaxation.. may be you wanted some type of change thats why you did this... 
Uptill yesterday I made my mind about this all that may be it was my fault too. I should got you free that do whatever you want which I didn't do... may be it was my fault too that I wanated you with me all the time..
But what happened today was never expected.. what you did today.. I never expected it you know...I never think that you can talk to me like this... you can be so rude to me.. you were talking with very ill manners. you forgot that time that who I am... You forgot that whom you talking... 
I never expect this.. You know I was very hurt.. I was just making myself console.. I was just trying to move on all damages which you cause to my life...
I was just wanting to get out of this phase... 
You know na how much hurt you cause to me... How much wrong you did to me...
But today what you did was WORST OF ALL...
 I will naver be able to forget the words you said...
You know na I am not habitual of your this type of behaviour... 
I was thinking that you must be sorry for what you did... 
But you were not sorry.. you were not like always.. 
And I know you will never be.. you will never regret of what you did...
But I wish once in life you regret of losing me.. Once in life you ask yourself that why did you do all this to me....
I just want this from you... Once you come again and ask me that whatever you did was very wrong.... I wish you to come... 

Jab dahr ke gham se amaaN na milii,
hum logoN ne ishQ eejaad kiya..
Kabhi shahr E bataaN me kharaab phire, 
kabhi dasht E junuN aabaad kiya..
Kabhi bastiyaaN ban, kabhi koh O daman,
raha kitne dinoN yahi ji ka chalan,
JahaaN husn mila wahaaN baith rahe,
jahaaN pyar mila wahaN saad kiya..
Shab E maah me jab bhi yeh dard utha,
kabhi bait kahe, likhi ‘Chand Nagar’
Kabhi koh se jaa sar phoR mare, 
kabhi Qais ko jaa ustaad kiya..
Yahi ishq bil-aakhir rog banaa, 
K hai chaah k saath bijog banaa,
Jise ban_na tha aish woh sog banaa,
BaRa man ke nagar me fasaad kiya..
Ab qurbat O sohbat E yaar kahaaN,
 lab O aariz O zulf O kinaar kahaN,
Ab apna bhi ‘Meer’ sa aalam hai, 
Tuk dekh liya, ji shaad kiya...

Today again was very pleasant weather and I came where you met me first time...
I was in your city.. the city I use to like the most and now where even breathing became difficult for me.
I was remembering you just while coming here.. all the way round coming here I was just thinking that what if everything goes right and I found you same as you were...
And you know na I again tried.. But you even didn't respond...
You really became so cruel.. 
how you could be...
I was thinking that I will text you and you will come back like always.. but how to do :(
I want you to do it yourself.. 
I also gone a place of our favourite.. You know I spend 2 hours there and while there I was just thinking about you... I was just remembering you. 
I wish you to be there with me again... 
I wish.. 

Waiting hurts, forgetting hurts but the thing which hurts most is not knowing what decision to take... 

I tell you a short story of my childhood...

When I was little and running at race tract for school,I always use to stop and wait for all other kids so we could run together even though I knew that I could run much faster than all of them.  I always pretended to read slowly so I could wait for my friends who couldn't read as fast. Whenever my friends were short of something I also pretend to be short too so they don't feel bad and if my friend was sad I pretended to be unhappy too. 

I could go on an on by all the ways but I always limit myself for being good to other people. And the only thing that I've ever received in return was that people thinking that they are faster than me, people thinking that they can make me feel bad about myself because I let them do this.  

And it was not all about childhood.. It happened to me right now... 

It is done with me by the one who was sure that he Loves me.. who was sure that he understands me... 

Yeahhhh it was you.. you too did this to me.. 

you too made me feel bad that you can move on... because I told you that I couldn't be able to without you...

you too told me that you can make choice over me.. 

you too hurt me... 

But this wait is still not over...

Why I am still waiting for you.. why I still want to wait for you even for life...

Will there be any end of my wait... 

Will you ever come back... 

Will you ever understands that LIFE IS FINISHED WITHOUT YOU... 

Its fifth day... I think it was the longest time period I have ever spent without contacting you..
But day again passed...
I was thinking life will stop. I'll be there where I am, I'll be there at spot where you left me... But life is just going on an on....
Today was very beautiful weather... I missed you a lot... 
How much.. I really can't tell... That time the only wish of mine was to be with you...
That time the only thing I wanted from ALLAH was you....
I missed you today.. as I was remembering you anger on being wet in rain...
I was remembering how you use to scold me and then immediately love me too much...
I remembered today one thing more.. I asked you once what you can do for me and you said YOU CAN GIVE YOUR LIFE FOR ME.. and I asked what else... 
You said... I CAN FIGHT WITH EVERYONE FOR YOU... 
Today I wana ask what you can do for me... Today I just want you to a single thing for me.. Today I just want you to come back for me...
Today I just want you... COME BACK...
Please.... 

Its raining....

And I listening this song.. 

Dard dilon k kam ho jatay  

Listening it from last 3 hours repeatedly...

Its all about my wishes.. Its all about what I wanted from life..

Its all about what I wanted from you...

I wish you too listening this and remembering me somewhere...

I wish this rain to be on your side too..

You know na I love rain.. I use to be crazy whenever its raining...

And you always use to scold me that I'll get ill.. But I never listened to you in this thing. 

Remember I wanted you to be with me somewhere when its raining but it never happened...

I always wanted to tell you in this romantic version of weather that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...

I wanted to tell you that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU..

I wanted  to make you sure that whatever happened I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO.. 

I wanted to to tell you that I CAN WAIT FOR LIVES For YOU.. 

I wanted to tell you that WITH YOU EVERYTHING WILL BE OK..

I wish you come and say like always that you are here with me.. you will never go anywhere.. you will always love me like you did... 

Come back please,,, I wana tell you something. 

I wana tell you that I love you with no beginning and no end. I love you as you have became an extra necessary organ in my body. I love you as only a girl can love a boy without fear, without expectation, wanting nothing in return. 

But still there is a hope somewhere in heart, a vague wish... COME BACK BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.. 

Days came and passed... 
Really no measure of time now a days... I really don't know how the day passed.. I didn't even left the room today...
All the day there was only you and you...
I was only knowing one thing that today is nothing important than you...
May be tomorrow, day after tomorrow I gonna accuse myself for this stupid and foolish acts but at that present time nothing important than just thinking of you all the time...
I was thinking today... does every breakup breaks a person like that happening to me...??
Does everyone gotta hurt that much am getting hurt..
If yes than really I hate this LOVE...
I hate being in love...
You remember how much I use to be with you.. how happy I was when I realize that I found my love...
But if love was for happiness than why its hurting me like hell today....
Its hurting like am just on the end of death... 
Remember in some last conversation I told you that I will die without you and you said that its all just a fishy talks. No-one die without someone...
And am really surprised that am alive.. am really surprised that am still breathing...
But its hurting...
Every breath of me without you hurting me...
I don't wana breath without you.. I dont wana live without you...
Come back please.... 

Today...11 may... Mother's day...

And I haven't made any special arrangement for mama like always...

Its first time perhaps... 

I am sorry mama that I forgot your importance in my own problems..

I am sorry for everything..

I am sorry that I am putting you in trouble from these many days.

I am sorry for my misbehave some days ago...

I am sorry for each and every mistake I made and for everything of mine you got hurt...

I know you will forgive me.. I know you can never be angry with me...

I know you are the one who understands me...

You are the one who knows my situation that time.. I know you will understand me..

I know you will never blame me for my all mistakes and all damages I caused to you.

Mama you know na am your most obedient daughter who never made any problems for you..

I remember you use to proud of me.. you use to say that daughter should be like me... and today I am embarrassed that I have snatched this right from you..

You must be thinking that why I haven't came down yet even after wishing you in morning... 

I am feeling guilty mama for what I am doing to you, for what am doing to all at home...

I am very sorry for everything I did in last 2 days... 

I never wanted to be like this... I never wanted to be a person to whom parents can't talk. I am sorry mama... 

I promise I'll be your best DAUGHTER as I were.... 

I promise I'll get rid of everything... and I'll do everything for your happiness...

I promise I'll make myself like I was before whom you use to proud. I promise you will again PROUD of me... 

Good morning....
ahhhhhhh... a sigh comes when I get up and there is no Good Morning. 
I always use to fight with you that I should be the one whom you would remind first when you get up in morning. And I remember you use to do this. You use to call me even with closed eyes in morning. And I remember how much lucky feeling was that. 
I use to cheer all the day with this thought that you are the one who loves me more than everything in this world. 
Every morning a simple text of just three words "good morning my love" was my life. 
I was even happy with this. 
My whole day use to whorl around this that I am the one for you. and I can't tell you how beautiful this feeling was..  
I wish those days come again my life. I wish I got up in morning and receive a text from you.
I wish my phone rung and on picking I come to know that its you who came back to me, its you who calling me to say good morning again....
I wish this to happen. 
I wish you come to know that there is no colours in my life without you.
I wish you get to know that I have left the count of morning, noon, evening as no significance of these for me without you. All the times of day are same without you. It doesn't make any difference if there is pleasant weather for which I was crazy. 
It makes no difference if its raining.. yeah just this that I can cry in rain as nobody can see me crying. 
Really morning doesn't mean to me without your GOOD MORNING...
Come back.... please...

sooooooo.. here comes the third day and passed..
today I was feeling that day is not passing.. It was very slow. I was waiting for afternoon.. than I started waiting for evening.. and than night..
All the day long I was just waiting and waiting...
But the difference was you were not here for whom I was waiting,, I was just thinking of you all the time. I was remembering you all the time not waiting for you...
You know why...!!
Cause I know that you will not come to me. If you were ever mine you could never be able to live without me. 
But you were not mine. you were just met me on the way. Its my mistake that I made you my everything..
It was my mistake that I relate my every happiness, every success, and everything with you.
You made me realized that I commit a mistake...
But what now.. Mistake is mistake.. it just happened..what to do now..
what I should do now..

I know you will be happy.. you will be cheering with family and your special one..
you will not even think of the girl who kept an eye on phone since she wake up and will go to bed. 
You will not even think of the girl who loved you more than herself.
You will not even think of the girl who will keep on waiting for you unwantedly. 
Today I remembered a person very much who met me about 6 years ago. today I remembered each and everything he asked to me that time and you know I suffer each and everything he said that time.
And today I came to know  how it hurts when heart is broken and we have to quit in anyway. 
how much it hurts when we have no choice other than QUIT... 

But I have one complaint to you.....
 cheating is never a mistake it was your choice....
you made choice over me.. and this is painful more than anything...
and how I gonna forget this thing that you preferred someone else over me..
I wish I could get you out of my mind...
I wish....

I Hope one day you will realize I did truly care for you. I promise you're gonna miss me being there, putting up with you, refusing to give up on you. 
You're gonna regret everything you've done to me, including all the damage you have caused. And someday, you'll turn back and I won't be waiting for you any longer. 
I might have been worthless to you, but you'll miss me when I'll become priceless to another. 
I hope one day I'll be writing here that I can live without you.
I hope one day I will be proud to tell that I found the one who love me more than you and who will never leave me like you. 
I hope one day I  will realize that loving you was not wrong but making you the first and last in my life was wrong.
I hope one day I will get to know that you too missed me after leaving me, you too loved me even after being with someone else. and that day I will  move on. That day I will find the reward of my true love...

I HOPE.... 

I don't remember the exact words but somewhere I read a caption about the real woman.. I just remember few broken lines of it..

"A real woman is not a drama queen. she will never sit and brood up over a breakup and make her life miserable. She will never allow a broken relationship to shatter her life. She will never show her tears to anyone even though she is crying river inside. She will fix her make up, get a new hair style, buy new shoe, put on her best smile, wear her best outfit and gather her emotional strength to face the world all over again. She will never be a victim but she will survive a heart break without giving up on her dignity and her self respect. "

 I wish I could fulfil these and could be real women and let it go... 
I wish I could also move on.. 

Whole day passed and am sitting as like I was when I got up in the morning... All the day I just remembered the good times, good memories and awesome moments I was with you. 

Believe me I didn't even think that you betrayed me. I was just remembering how you use to care about little things of mine..

I still remember one of your statement that you stayed cause if you will go I will get upset during my exams. I hadn't told you that time but you know that was the best moment. I was proud of myself having you that time. 

Remember I always use to ask why you met me so late.. and you always use to smile in answer... Today I wana ask why you gone so early... why you gone leaving me alone. 

Remember I told you that you are the best thing ever happened to me and you said that I am everything which happened to you. 

Remember once we both were wearing black and gone for a movie. Everyone there was staring at us and you hold my hand. I was believing then that you are blessing of ALLAH for me. 

Remember I told you some of my priorities and your answer was you will do everything for me..

Today one of my best friend said why I trusted you inspite of many doubts. why I ruining my life my happiness for a liar...

How I can told her these things.. which make me to believe you.. which make me crazy for you..

You remember last time I was watching at your face and said that nothing is much significant in it than why am going crazy.. I still didn't get this thing why am still crazy..

why I still want you...

Why I cant move on...

why  I still wana love you..

Why I still wana trust you instead of all your lies.

 Why I still wana believe you even when I know each and everything which you said wrong to me.

Why my heart is still saying that if you will come back, it will forget everything. 

Your complaint was...... "I NEVER TRUSTED YOU".. 

I wish you could come and see how much I trust you still when I know all the truths which you always denied. 

I wish I could tell you that I trusted you more than anything in this world... 

I wish I could tell you that you were the guarantee of my life... 

I wish I could tell  you that you were the LOVE of my life.... 

If I see from a positive prospect it was a biggest day of my life. one day ago I got result of my finals and became a doctor and I was celebrating this happiness with my friends. But when  turn to other side it was the darkest day of life which ruined everything. I wish this day had never came to my life. I got to know a reality which literally broke me up. I come to know about all your lies. I come to know that my all efforts were just meaningless. 
I wish I never had believed on all this. I wish I had just ignored all the realities... 
I wish I never listened to the person who was telling me all these. But how I could do this. Sometimes its really not possible to close eyes from bitter but true things. 
You know that day which thing makes me cry.. I never told you.. I was fighting with you, I was accusing you but I never thought of finishing all this. I was sure that you will tell me truth this time and will say that you commit a mistake. you will ask for forgiveness and I will forgive you from whole of my heart. 
But what you did... 

You were not even embarrassed at what you did. you were not even accepting your mistake. you were not even saying that you did very very wrong with me. But instead of this you indicted me for all this contention. You blamed me that I never asked for your problems...

And you know I was also blaming myself that I am wrong. I haven't asked you for your problems. That time I forgot everything even the lie you were telling from last 2 months and I said sorry to you..

That night I remember I was too much hurt while thinking that I was saying sorry to you instead you made the silly mistake. But you know it was never got any meaning to me as you were important...

But things go wrong inspite of all my efforts.. the reality was that you were changed and I was not ready to accept this bitter truth. I wish I had gave up that day.. I wish I had never revert back to you.. 

I wish I could tell you that you hurt me most that day but I bear it with open heart just for you. I bear it for you. 

I wish you ever cared for my emotions, for my love, for my tears... and in the end for my worthy LIFE... 

Today I am crazy about you but may be tomorrow I won't be. Today I care for you but may be tomorrow I won't. Today I craves for your time and attention but may be tomorrow i won't even think of you. A day will come when I will have had enough of crying for you and chasing you and slowly I will get over you and move on.
 And then I will find someone who will gather me and love me with all my broken pieces and make me smile all over again. 
A man who will heal my hurting soul. He will be the man whom I will never give up on and I will love and respect him more than I loved you. That day you will realize that time never comes back for anyone and you will desperately wish you had let me have you. You will wish you had given me your time and attention which I was craving for. You will wish that you had given me the last chance I was asking for. 
Today the most painful thing for me is that in process valuing you, loving you I lost myself, I forgot myself that I am special too what if not for you may be for someone else. 
Today I wana tell you that I'm happy for you as you find someone new but really it will be the biggest lie I ever told. 
Today... after thinking whole of the day.. sitting around the table.. watching across the window up to sky I realize that letting you go is hard but holding you with me when you doesn't  even feel the same is much more harder.  I feel that giving up doesn't mean that I am weak but it actually means that I am strong enough to let it go.

Today after a long time I remind my favourite quote which I use to say my friends and expect from them to act upon it. Today I feel to advice someone and to suffer it myself are too much different things. But still I wana act upon it...

PEOPLE CHANGE AND THINGS GO WRONG... BUT LIFE GOES ON.. !!!!

This is not goodbye, my darling, this is actually thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy and happiness. Thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. Thank you for caring even little things of mine. But most of all thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. 
I wonder how people can say goodbye forever to someone they loved. But the wonder is end now.. As you made me to experience this thing that you can say me goodbye. you can say me to stay away... 
But why still its not goodbye from my side.... 
Why I spend each and every moment of the day waiting for you... 
While saying goodbye to you.. the thing which hurts me more than anything was that I was buried under pile of suspiciousness... I was not doing this happily..  I was doing this just under your pressure. I was doing this that you said please leave me. I was just doing this cause I was hurt.. I was hurt too much.. 
Heart was aching, eyes were crying, body was trembling... My whole world was getting snatched from me and I couldn't even resist... 
There I came to know that how at some stage of life I can become too much helpless that I couldn't even assist myself in breathing.. 
It hurts to breath, it hurts to live, I hate you, yet I don't think that I can exist without you. 
But my breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be... so with my best and my very best... I SET YOU FREE... 

And its night... falling darkness... 
how strange this darkness is.. it wraps around everything no matter how much brighter was that thing in day... it just realized me one thing that nothing lasts forever. either its an event or a person.. it have to go at a specific time.. 
and so happened with you. you stayed for the time you meant to..and then you left.. leaving me in the state of amaze.. am still not sure that you are no more in my life..
I still believe that you will come from somewhere and say that you were angry with me that's why you were not contacting me.. 
you know I never come to know about the depth of my love till the hour of separation.. till the moment of murder of my love. 
I confess I use to think that whatever if you will go I can live without you.. but now I confess after only one incomplete day that I couldn't be able to live without you. 

Long ago I met you and fell in love. But you vanishes unwillingly, without warning, without even telling me my fault. I wait for you. Each moment that I wait feel like a year,an eternity. Though each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why you are gone where I cant follow ??
A dream you once were..
A dream of all my realities..
A dream I can no long strive for..
In the wake of my manly betrayals...

From now onward should I hate my best dream, should I  hate my best memory of life because it had proved that people could fake love, or love could end and worst of all Love was not powerful enough to change you and to make you mine. 
Will I ever be able to get over it.. ?? 
Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell what I'm supposed to do right now. Right now I cant sleep, I cant eat. Right now I still hear your voices and sense your presence even though I know you are not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing but even I had all the time in the world, I still don't know what to do with all this hurt right now.. 
And right now my mind just said to me.. Why don't I just pretend that you dropped dead ? and I can't call or write to a dead man. Put a couple of candles in front of your pictures, say a few words of blessings and just get over it... 
 But what should I do with this crazy heart.. who still wants you.. who still know that you are somewhere and happy. Who always wanted you to be happy. Who always want to love you. who always want to wait for you until the hairs turn grey, skin become wrinkled, back hunched, and eyes turned black... but whenever you will come I will recognize you... 

Its about 12 hours passed my last ever text to you.. it seems like life gonna stop right here... right now.. I will never be able to go forward in life..
Sometimes I use to think why I get into love. Why it just happens to me. Why its just hurting me. why its breaking me. its been a long time when I used to be happy. I use to be a very cheerful girl, full of life, full of enjoyment, full of chillssss... 
You must be thinking I am a crying type.. no I am not.. I was thought to be the life of every gathering, every event.. I was thought to be a laughing machine, I was thought to be who can never hurt herself in any way. 
But when I get mature I came across a word called "love". the most torturing word in the dictionary for me at least.. 
You came and life changed. I forgot everything. I forgot all goals of my life which were my dreams since I hadn't even learnt that what the dreams are. I just use to think you, you and you... 
I modify my every step according to you. you know I often use to think about the life with you and smile use to come even in severe tension. In very stressful days the feeling of your love was just like an addictive drug for me which use to make me euphoric. 
I told you many times that its not gonna be easy, its gonna be really hard. we gonna have to work at this everyday.. I told you I want all of you forever, everyday.. 
but there was something which came between.. which stops me where I am. 
I was trying to make things right because picking up the pieces is way better than leaving them the way they are.  but things just gone worse and worse... 
I always wanted to know how to make you laugh, I always wanted to know what makes you sad, I always wanted to know how it feels like to have your look at me as if I am your princess. 
its 9.30 pm... dinner is just gonna be ready.. everyone at home is cheering.. everyone happy that am home again.. but who gonna tell them that am not sleeping.. am not tired.. am just trying to hide my tears from them..
keeping laptop in my lap.. just thinking of you.. just want you.. remembering everything which is now a part of past. which is just a forgotten love story.. 
A love story which even didn't flourish.. but I wana keep this young in my heart.. I want if I read this blog when I got 90 year old I remember you... 
I don't wana forget you... 
I always wana love you.. 
I always want to remember you in every moment of life....